my mind and soul, clinking and clanging
berating, regretting, conniving, reviving
sleep tries, but can’t get a word in edgewise

my sick husband sleeps, but just barely
coughing, coughing, he sniffles he hacks
grating and grinding, he whips me into wakeful snit

me ‘n my mac, clicking and coping
drowning out the sounds of husband and self
hello insomnia, my enemy, my friend

THE TIME TO CELEBRATE IS NOW!

by Kirsten Mahoney

Just when you thought the season to celebrate was over, I’ve got one more holiday for you and I call it “Kick Ass Me” month.  At this time of year so many of us are preoccupied with making all kinds of resolutions about our future, promising ourselves to be all sorts of fitter, smarter, kinder, quieter, louder, better, stronger, faster. Our list of upgrades often sounds much more like the blueprint for the makings of the Six Million Dollar Man than a realistic strategy for our own self-improvement. Even putting aside our ever-rising bar, the real shame in our rush to be resolute with our oncoming year turns out to be that we don’t take time to celebrate all that we have already done, and even more importantly, everything that we have already become.

The poignancy of this truth came home to me recently when an inordinate number of my amazing female clients were refusing to accept their amazingness. (This can happen with men too, of course, but it was showing up profoundly for me with women). Instead of celebrating themselves on a regular basis they were mired in thinking about all the things they felt they should be by now and all the greatnesses they were adamant they should have already accomplished.  And believe me, these women exemplify what it means to be exceptional. Besides the successes they have achieved in their careers as business owners, entrepreneurs, and professionals, they also come off as funny, open, warm, sensitive people with rich, complex, exciting personal lives. And although I am honored to call them my clients, I am even more pleased to know they exist out there in the world just being themselves.

So I’d like to pose a few simple questions here…. Why is it so often easier for other people to celebrate us than for us to celebrate ourselves? What great harm do we think will come to us if we take a moment or ten to honor ourselves and everything that we are?  How can we shift from berating to celebrating?

PRACTICAL PRACTICES

I invite us all to embrace this next month as “Kick Ass Me” month.  During this time I encourage each of us to celebrate ourselves for our daily accomplishments, both large and small. Maybe you’ll want to celebrate yourself for the smile you bring to your son’s face or perhaps it’s time to acknowledge how hard you’ve been training for that marathon.  Maybe now might finally be the time for you to formally honor all those many qualities about yourself that the rest of us have always known as simply Kick Ass. There are many ways to celebrate.  Let me offer just a few….

• Say “Good for me!” This is actually a favorite of mine that I have been using for years whenever I do something that feels even slightly challenging.

• Treat yourself to something special. This will look different for everyone. For me, I might indulge in the guilty pleasure of reading People Magazine in the middle of the day.  For a client of mine, treating herself to a personal chef became the perfect way to honor her efforts. For you it might mean a yoga class with your favorite teacher or a weekend away. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just special.

• “Kick Ass Me” Memo. Write yourself an ongoing list of all the things you like about yourself, goals you’ve reached, ideas you’ve developed. Make it a regular habit of yours to update and reread this list.

• Throw a “Kick Ass Me” party. Here, instead of setting New Year’s Resolutions and bumming yourself out, you can declare New Year’s Revelations about how Kick Ass you already ARE!

In the immortal words of Kool and the Gang,

“It’s time to come together
It’s up to you, what’s your pleasure
Everyone around the world, come on!
We’re gonna have a good time tonight
Let’s celebrate, it’s all right
Celebrate good times, Come On!”

Let me just put this out there.  I am fairly suspicious of new age stuff.   I read horoscopes through the lens of “yeah, but that could apply to anybody.”  Why, I ask, do crystals have healing powers and ordinary garden rocks do not?  And life coaching?  Hogwash.  Isn’t life coaching just an MLM scam promoted by Deepak Chopra?

I’m suspicious, but not entirely dismissive.  I still read my horoscope, and I’m hopeful that the rocks I smuggled from Bali bring good energy into my home.  So it was with trepidation, and a fair amount of curiosity that I set an appointment to talk to Dory Willer, an award-winning (and certified) life/executive/business coach and founder of Beacon Quest Coaching.

Dory describes herself as a “cheerleader for the soul” and, having met her in person a few years ago, I can attest to the cheerleader part.  She exudes positive vibes.  Her eyes dance.  She wants you to do good things.

Our conversation – about an issue that was truly causing me stress – surprised me.  I always think I have the answers about my life.  I am a bad-ass when it comes to introspection.  I think I have a healthy understanding of my strengths and shortcomings.  I don’t need no stinkin’ life coach.    The issue I was grappling with involved communication, and settling differences.  I was handling the problem poorly, and unable to make decisions or move forward.

Dory helped me tip-toe through the issue and possible solutions.  When I told her that this was becoming too much for me – I didn’t like handling stuff like this — she whipped out my “thrive factors” from a few years ago.  Thrive factors are the characteristics I am most likely employ to make things work.  “You already have all of the tools to resolve this.” She said. “Remember?”

If I were Sarah Palin, I’d call this “gotcha coaching”.

My thrive factors happen to be, in no particular order:

• Seeing Possibilities
• Researching Things
• Adding Humor
• Writing Things
• Solving Problems

So there it was.  I was being a big baby.  I needed to unleash the characteristics I already carry around and dispense with this problem efficiently.  Write it down, she told me.  Work from the end state.  Duh. I know this already. I don’t need no stinkin’ life coach.

Yeah, right.

So why was I struggling with questions to which I already knew the answers?  Why did I need Dory to point out what should have been obvious?  I don’t know.  Sometimes we just need someone to clear the steam from the mirror, I suppose.

Cougar Barbie – Click here for the funniest movie of the week

Fellow female baby-boomers:  what media image best describes you?  Gray, staid and rarely laid? Or desperate, over-sexed cougar in search of unsuspecting boy-toy?   Addicted to botox? Or withering from benign neglect?  How about your professional image?  Are you an over-the-hill executive?  Or nurturing mom to all the “kids” in the office?  These images sure as hell don’t describe me!  How about you?  The Cougar Barbie™ video just got me going.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m no prude and I love a good joke.  And self-deprecating humor is my specialty. But, I am sick of the degrading labels and media images that suggest I am a pathetic has-been. Sick!

The youth-oriented culture is wreaking havoc on me and it’s getting old.  And while Corporate America is subtle in its fixation on youth, I don’t need a miracle ear to hear the message loud and clear. Sadly, I’ve been told I’m no longer “high-potential” but a “pro in place” (ugh!).  A headhunter pitching an executive position carefully asked whether I was looking to slow down at this point in my career (eye roll).  I’ve been told to put away my reading glasses because they make me look old.  Spruce up my image!  Down-play my personality!  Lose twenty pounds, gain a personal trainer.  I get it!  I no longer fit the image of budding female executive and may be dangerously close to past my prime.

Truth is, I AM the every-day female executive. I may be a little zaftig for my pencil skirt, and, I admit, after a grueling day at work you’ll find me on the sofa bonding with Grey’s Anatomy rather than at the gym busting-a-move on the treadmill.  But, damn it all, I’m still fresher than I was at 30!   I’m healthier than ever – mind, body and soul; I’m creative, productive, adept at technology and a voracious learner.  Yes, I have tons of experience to draw from but it doesn’t stop me from seizing every opportunity to leave the comfort zone in the dust.   Maybe it’s the hot flashes, but I feel like I’m on fire– in a good way.  I am desperate to see women like myself represented for what we are:  witty, wise, smart and sassy.   Instead I feel woefully undervalued. Am I alone?

If you remember the ’60’s, you probably remember the mantra Black is Beautiful.  The phrase was a battle cry that used physical beauty as a metaphor to galvanize society – black and white alike – to embrace what it meant to look, feel and BE African-American.  The movement challenged Americans to re-define beauty.  Until then, anglicized features were the hallmark of attractiveness.   Female beauty equaled straight hair, thin lips, fair skin, and a flat ass.  There were literally no black women celebrated for their beauty who didn’t look like dark versions of white women. The battle cry had an effect.

Today, models like Iman, Naomi Campbell and Tyra Banks are by-products of “Black is Beautiful”.  American fashion trends for women have boasted hair “perming” and braids, and the all-over tan.  Today we go to great lengths to create the illusion of full lips and rounded “gluts”.  The movement to redefine beauty worked.  And, though we can’t claim total victory, the ultimate glamorous power-couple, President Barack Obama and First Lady Michelle Obama, may deliver us pretty close to the finish line.

I’m not trying to say it’s all about image but, there’s a corollary here.  What is OUR equivalent of “Black is Beautiful”?  Is it…

“Older is Bolder”

“Over Fifty and Fabulous”

“Gravity is Goodness”

I’m not crazy about any of them, but I do know this, my female friends:  we need a mantra and we need to believe it; we need a movement and we need one now.  Baby boomer sisters, let’s take the media by the shirt collar and remind them that we are not cougars, we are not pathetic has-beens, and we will not fade into the background while our younger sisters bask in the limelight.  We are amazing specimens with so much to celebrate:

• We are attorneys, neurosurgeons, fire-fighters and soldiers. And though we may occasionally bump our heads on the glass ceiling, we own successful businesses and run fortune 500 corporations.
• We toil and succeed at staying healthy, vibrant and looking our best.  While we are not focused on looking 35, some of us actually do.
• We love to learn, embrace change, and continually reinvent ourselves before we reach the FINAL transformation .  And, despite reports to the contrary, we see tons of run-way ahead.
• We are devoted to our partners, children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, but resist being defined by them.
• We have more to offer than ever … and are in a phase in our life when we actually have the time and motivation to follow through.
• Our bodies may be sagging here and there but our potential is soaring.  We really ARE getting better with age.

I was 14 when Helen Reddy’s, “I Am Woman Hear Me Roar” convinced me, along with an entire generation of American women, that I was strong and invincible.  And though I was born in 1958, the same year as Barbie™, I am no cougar.  I am a woman…a Phenomenal Woman, as Maya Angelou would say.  And if there are any feline labels to slap on me, I prefer lioness in business, tiger in bed and pussycat at home with friends and family.  Yes, I am a lion of a woman…hear me ROAR!  Care to form a pride?

Helen Reddy

Well…I changed my mind. I have been pushing for over thirty years. And, I admit it, I need a break. In fact, without one I may even be short-changing my future success. I thought I took a break in May and June after finishing at Yahoo! and before my short term consulting assignment at Juniper. And, yes, I slowed down a bit. But I put enormous pressure on myself to “use this time” wisely. I created a business entity, incorporated, set up the mechanics of a business, created a logo, networked with other female entrepreneurs, planned a female forum, embarked upon an exercise regime. I rose every day at 6am and lived by a schedule. I was afraid to allow too much down-time for fear of getting lazy.

In October, after completing my Juniper assignment and producing the F5 event, I vowed to take time off to rejuvenate, to “cocoon”*. Well…in true form my first month of cocooning involved launching a blog, designing future programming for F5, moderating a commonwealth club meeting and resuming success coaching (for myself). In one month I read three books and created a business plan for my TA venture. AND I had plans to launch an image re-haul: nutrition plan, personal trainer and image therapist.

Around 2 weeks ago, I met with Dory Willer (my coach) and told her I was frustrated at my pace – too slow! Dory gently reminded me that I was “cocooning”*. She entreated me to go back and read about cocooning and what it meant. And then I had the V-8. Holy cow. I had never stopped long enough to truly rejuvinate. And I was surprised to discover that I am terrified of stillness. Not just driven to make use of my time, but desperate to fill it with “stuff”.

So, dear reader, I’m slowing down, taking stock, and getting ready for my next stage. Well, trying. Here’s what I’m doing:

1. Cleaning, shedding, releasing: I have purged my bedroom closet and drawers so far. More to follow.
2. Recording the journey – I will continue to write and publish through my blog.
3. Nourishing head, heart and body: I’m working through the program “Effortless Success – Living the Law of Attraction”; walking at least an hour a day; cooking delicious healthy meals.
4. A “little bit” of business planning. Only when I feel like it, though– no schedule!

Here’s what I’m not doing:

1. Getting out of bed any sooner than I’m ready to. If that’s 6am, great; If it’s 8 am, even better. Haven’t made it to 9am yet. (hmmm…maybe a new goal?)
2. Forcing work on my plate before I’m ready to handle it.
3. “Pushing the rope”. I love that analogy. If it’s not easy and joyful, it’s for another day.

I’ll keep you posted on the journey. Anyone else “cocooning”? Let me know.

*A note about cocooning: The term was introduced to me through the book LifeLaunch – A Passionate Guide to the Rest of Your Life by Frederic M. Hudson and Pamela D. McLean. The book outlines and navigates the reader though the “renewal cycle”: Phase 1 – Go For It; Phase 2 – Stuck in the Doldrums; Phase 3 – Cocooning; and Phase 4 – Getting Ready for the Next Chapter. We spend most of our life in the “Go For It” phase. When we get to the Cocooning stage it’s a time to take stock, shed the old, prune so as to regenerate.

He was in the first third grade class I taught at Saint Mary’s School in Morris, Minnesota. All 34 of my students were dear to me, but Mark Eklund was one in a million. Very neat in appearance, he had that happy-to-be-alive attitude that made even his occasional mischievousness delightful.

The density of people in society is so thick that we forget that life will end one day. And we don’t know when that one day will be. So please, tell the people you love and care for that they are special and important. Tell them, before it is too late.

Mark talked incessantly. I had to remind him again and again that talking without permission was not acceptable. What impressed me so much, though, was his sincere response every time I had to correct him for misbehaving. “Thank you for correcting me, Sister!” I didn’t know what to make of it at first, but before long I became accustomed to hearing it many times a day.

One morning my patience was growing thin when Mark talked once too often, and then I made a novice teacher’s mistake. I looked at Mark and said, “If you say one more word, I am going to tape your mouth shut!” It wasn’t ten seconds later when Chuck blurted out, “Mark is talking again.” I hadn’t asked any of the students to help me watch Mark, but since I had stated the punishment in front of the class, I had to act on it. I remember the scene as if it had occurred this morning. I walked to my desk, very deliberately opened my drawer and took out a roll of masking tape. Without saying a word, I proceeded to Mark’s desk, tore off two pieces of tape and made a big X with them over his mouth. I then returned to the front of the room. As I glanced at Mark to see how he was doing, he winked at me. That did it! I started laughing. The class cheered as I walked back to Mark’s desk, removed the tape, and shrugged my shoulders. His first words were, “Thank you for correcting me, Sister.”

At the end of the year, I was asked to teach junior-high math. The years flew by, and before I knew it Mark was in my classroom again. He was more handsome than ever and just as polite. Since he had to listen carefully to my instruction in the “new math,” he did not talk as much in ninth grade as he had in third. One Friday, things just didn’t feel right. We had worked hard on a new concept all week, and I sensed that the students were frowning, frustrated with themselves and edgy with one another. I had to stop this crankiness before it got out of hand. So I asked them to list the names of the other students in the room on two sheets of paper, leaving a space between each name. Then I told them to think of the nicest thing they could say about each of their classmates and write it down. It took the remainder of the class period to finish their assignment, and as the students left the room, each one handed me the papers. Charlie smiled. Mark said, “Thank you for teaching me, Sister. Have a good weekend.” That Saturday, I wrote down the name of each student on a separate sheet of paper, and I listed what everyone else had said about that individual.

On Monday I gave each student his or her list. Before long, the entire class was smiling. “Really?” I heard whispered. “I never knew that meant anything to anyone! I didn’t know others liked me so much.” No one ever mentioned those papers in class again. I never knew if they discussed them after class or with their parents, but it didn’t matter. The exercise had accomplished its purpose. The students were happy with themselves and one another again.

That group of students moved on. Several years later, after I returned from vacation, my parents met me at the airport. As we were driving home, Mother asked me the usual questions about the trip, the weather, my experiences in general. There was a lull in the conversation. Mother gave Dad a sideways glance and simply said, “Dad?” My father cleared his throat as he usually did before something important. “The Eklunds called last night,” he began. “Really?” I said. “I haven’t heard from them in years. I wonder how Mark is.” Dad responded quietly. “Mark was killed in Vietnam,” he said. “The funeral is tomorrow, and his parents would like it if you could attend.” To this day I can still point to the exact spot on I-494 where Dad told me about Mark.

I had never seen a serviceman in a military coffin before. Mark looked so handsome, so mature. All I could think at that moment was, “Mark, I would give all the masking tape in the world if only you would talk to me.” The church was packed with Mark’s friends. Chuck’s sister sang “The Battle Hymn of the Republic.” Why did it have to rain on the day of the funeral? It was difficult enough at the graveside. The pastor said the usual prayers, and the bugler played taps. One by one those who loved Mark took a last walk by the coffin and sprinkled it with holy water. I was the last one to bless the coffin. As I stood there, one of the soldiers who acted as pallbearer came up to me. “Were you Mark’s math teacher?” he asked. I nodded as I continued to stare at the coffin. “Mark talked about you a lot,” he said.

After the funeral, most of Mark’s former classmates headed to Chuck’s farmhouse for lunch. Mark’s mother and father were there, obviously waiting for me. “We want to show you something,” his father said, taking a wallet out of his pocket. “They found this on Mark when he was killed. We thought you might recognize it.” Opening the billfold, he carefully removed two worn pieces of notebook paper that had obviously been taped, folded and refolded many times. I knew without looking that the papers were the ones on which I had listed all the good things each of Mark’s classmates had said about him. “Thank you so much for doing that,” Mark’s mother said. “As you can see, Mark treasured it.” Mark’s classmates started to gather around us. Charlie smiled rather sheepishly and said, “I still have my list. I keep it in the top drawer of my desk at home.” Chuck’s wife said, “Chuck asked me to put his in our wedding album.” “I have mine too,” Marilyn said. “It’s in my diary.” Then Vicki, another classmate, reached into her pocketbook, took out her wallet and showed her worn and frazzled list to the group. “I carry this with me at all times,” Vicki said without batting an eyelash. “I think we all saved our lists.” That’s when I finally sat down and cried. I cried for Mark and for all his friends who would never see him again.

Creating an environment of acknowledgment had a profound effect on these kids. Have a fabulous weekend and tell someone important to you why he or she means so much.

Carol

* checked Mark Eklund on Snopes to ensure the story wasn’t a hoax…and it’s real!

I’m sensing that professionals — especially women — are shifting their focus from the corporate ladder to creating a business of their own. Is it a trend or a blip? Is it by necessity or choice? What compels or prevents people from working on their own? Is there a gender variable to this equation? I want to hear back from as many of you as possible – let’s get the dialogue going.

I label myself an entrepreneur. It’s such a powerful motivator for me that even when I have worked within in the confines of the corporate labyrinth, I’ve acted as if I was an “owner” of a business providing a service for my organization. So, my answer is a resounding YES! I want to be an entrepreneur…and I am. Even though I’m the “boss of me” I tirelessly collaborate, partner and network because I like affiliation and I don’t yet employ anyone. Still, being “in charge” is liberating and suits me. Business success is within my direct grasp! My ideas are my currency and I act on them as quickly as I choose. And once I have employees, I will be able to consciously create a company culture that aligns with my values and ambitions. Sadly, self-employment means no corporate safety net: I pick up the full cost for insurance (health, life or disability); I choose the accountant and the lawyer as well as run IT. But entrepreneur I am and entrepreneur I stay.

How about you???? Comment below! I want to hear what you think.

Carol

p.s. I moderate comments but will turn them around very fast

• The Silicon Valley Commonwealth Club asked me to moderate their program on October 29, 2009 , featuring Mireille Guiliano, author of French Women Don’t Get Fat and new book, Women, Work and the Art of Savoir Faire. I was THRILLED!  I LOVE her – adored her last book and am an avid Champagne lover (she was CEO of Veuve). I help the Commonwealth Club, get exposure for my company and me, and have the opportunity to meet an off-the-charts fabulous female in the process (and thanks, James Duran, for inviting me to be a panelist for the Commonwealth Club which got me the gig in the first place). What a Win/Win
• Lucinda White – a recruiter/HR professional – called me out of the blue suggesting that we meet. She saw information about Live and Leap — F5 and my talent acquisition background — and wanted to meet me.  Turns out she is a fabulous recruiter and a lovely human being. She reminded me of the generous spirit of great recruiters; they get such a charge out of helping people realize their career dreams. We connected; I gave her a little career advice. Not sure if there is a business angle here – but I sure felt great after our conversation over lunch. It was a Win/Win
• Carmen Hudson and I talked this week so that I could check-in on her after she so graciously agreed to be “team coached” at the Fifty Fab Females forum. Turns out that Lisa Kowalski, fellow forum attendee and sales expert extraordinaire, has helped Carmen immeasurably in her quest to promote her new company (MAJOR kudos to Lisa), which launches some time in November. Also, Dory Willer, coach and guest speaker at the forum, volunteered to coach Carmen, and both agreed to share the journey on this blog! Carmen offered to assist me with my blog and passed on a consulting lead (love ya, Carmen).  A little sister love and definitely an example of a Win/Win
• I received three separate emails from individuals/business people discussing potential business opportunities. I won’t go into detail on any of them now, but what is interesting is that many of the connections I made months ago are paying off in opportunities now. Win/Win
• My friend Ben Wong over at Juniper Networks invited me on behalf of the HRCA to participate in the upcoming Recruiting Game Show event on November 11th over at Yahoo! Win/Win
• A top nutritionist, personal trainer and image consultant all responded to my invitations to  participate in a public project to re-invent ME into a more healthy and attractive 51 year-old – chronicled step by painful step on this blog. They are all “in” and excited. Win/Win
• And finally, I was able to help a few people who needed it. I know that by paying it forward, the rewards will be immeasurable – not the least of which is to share in the joy of having something to offer another in her time of need. Win/Win

“Tune-in” to the F5 blog…more great stuff coming.  Also, stay “tuned-in” to life…there are a million win/wins waiting for you to pay attention and pay it forward.

Carol